WE WANT YOU!!!!

... just as you are ...

For years I've struggled with thinking that I am not intelligent and that I am too "ditzy" and too "scatterbrained" to really accomplish anything. I struggled in school, because staying focused on the task at hand was always difficult. As an adult I was accused of having "Adult ADD" because of the way I have difficulty staying focused. It wasn't until very recently that I've realized that my image of myself was inherently wrong and what I thought was a weakness was actually a strength. There is nothing wrong with the way I process things and when used correctly it can be my biggest ally. 

There is saying that men think like a waffle; compartmentalized and structured and women think like spaghetti; everything running together and connected.  Me? I think like popcorn. Constantly moving; jumping from thing to thing absolutely FULL of new ideas and mental energy. 

This way of processing is very frustrating when you are trying to study for a big test or writing a research paper but when you are planning events for children's church for the year or putting together a fun event; it is fantastic. I am able to seamlessly jump from item to item without feeling stressed or flustered; like popping popcorn. I am never lacking in fun and creative ideas. My imagination runs wild and I let it!

The point is that I spent 27 years inhibiting myself from success because of what I thought successful people looked/thought like. Only in the last  year have I realized that God INTENTIONALLY DESIGNED me to be this way for the purposes he has planned for me. As long as I follow Him instead of asking Him to follow me; He leads me right to my purpose and I thrive like a flower planted in the sunlight, or in this case, SONlight.

Don't be like me!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please!!!!!!!!! Don't mistake your assents for weaknesses. God doesn't want you to be like the person sitting next to you or even like that leader that you really respect. He wants you to think like yourself, act like yourself, and use the tools HE GAVE YOU to follow him obediently and fill a need somewhere.  

praying for rain

When I met you

 your faith was like an ocean 

Immeasurable depth and impossible to cross 

Sometimes it would rage on
Forcefully lapping the earth into submission 

Sometimes it would be quietly rhythmic
Dependable
Ceaseless
But even when foul weather would roll in 

and cover it from sight
I always knew that it was there
Beneath the cover of fog and wind
I could hear it's steady rhythm
Like a heartbeat
Pulling me that much closer to God himself
But lately I can't hear the waves
The steady lapping on the shore
Replaced by eery silence.
There is no fog and yet I can't see the water
There is no wind yet I hear nothing
Did the earth swallow your ocean?
Did the skies cease to rain upon your waters?
Did you separate yourself from the life spring?
Will the salt water of my tears
be enough to dampen your earth once more?
Will my prayers return your ocean to you?
I will wait upon my knees and pray for rain. 

Fear is a Thief

I had a visitor knock on my door just the other day. When I opened the door I saw piles of luggage littering my porch and a oddly familiar face staring back at me. I couldn't remember how I knew them, but before I could piece together my recognition, they barged in, bags in hand; making themselves at home. As just the tip of their left shoe crossed my threshold, I knew their name. It was fear. Uninvited. Unwelcome. Here to make themselves at home, none the less.

Tossing their bags here and there, covering my once clean floor with their clutter and nonsense. I didn't want to be rude, so I made Fear comfortable. I walked around the minefield of hazardous clutter and brought Fear a beverage while entertaining its rantings. Somehow with every moment Fear stayed my home got messier and messier, and louder and louder. I could no longer see the lovingly polished floors, and the delicately placed memories gracing the walls; instead I saw nothing but piles and piles of unorganized junk that I could hardly walk around. The soft sounds of soothing music, replaced indecipherable white noise.

I tried sorting the piles of junk into organized totes, and dusting off the pictures on my walls so I could see them more clearly, but with every well placed item a scattered, haphazard one took its place. I, in frustration, finally gave up. I allowed all of the junk to cover everything I cared about until I forgot what a clean house looked like. Fear had stolen my home. Fear had stolen my peace.

I looked up and saw a stream of light shining through the corner of a window thickly covered in dust and grime. It felt so warm. It looked so bright. I remembered! I remembered a clean home. I remembered peace. Through the piles and piles of garbage I saw one familiar book. A book that I love.

I stretched out my arm, and grasped a corner of its cover. I pulled and pulled until at last it broke free and toppled into my lap. Feeling a flutter in my heart, I opened the cover. and with each new page, a new truth bore into me. "Do not be afraid", "I am your fortress", "Do not fear, I will help you", "Ask and it will be given"... so many statements of hope and truth. As tears made a path down my cheeks, I reached my hands to the sky and pleaded for help. There was no way I could do this on my own.

As soon as the words left my lips, the door swung open with enough force to send various items flying everywhere. Fear, who was perched in a comfortable chair, droning on, suddenly grew silent. Its eyes wide, fists clenched. A team of workers, dressed in white burst in with tools and supplies and began methodically addressing every item, and wiping down every surface. I began to, with a smile on my face,  helping the crew. There were a couple moments that I tried to hold onto a trinket or item that I thought was of value, but each member of the crew assured me that all items had to go. Before I knew it I was looking at my clean home, with my beautiful photos beaming from my walls. Everything was clean, and peaceful. Fear was no where to be seen, and I vowed to myself that if I ever saw fear again, I would open the book of love first. 

Confessions of a Real Mom

None of us are perfect and we all have "days". Sometimes the best thing to do is pat each other on the back and say "I've been there". Here my  little list of confessions.

1. I yell. I try not to... but it happens.
   
2. I have a "stash" of chocolate in one of our cubbards that my children don't know is there. I have also consumed said chocolate double fisted whilst hiding in the bathroom.
   
   
3. I have told my children that their toys are broken when the reality is that I really really don't want to replace the batteries...
   
4. I have woken up thinking "How long until nap time???"
   \
5. I have accidentally disciplined my children for things they haven't done. 

6. I still  will get up in the middle of the night from time to time to make sure my kids are OK.

7. I have said and done things I told myself I'd never do as a parent. 

8. I have made empty threats and then immediately regretted it.

9. I have used the phrase "Because I Said SO" on multiple occasions.
I mean... let's be honest... there are times when they don't really care what the answer is.

10. Sometimes my kids know how to get on my last nerve.

11. I get separation anxiety every time my son climbs on the bus.
 

12. I'm pretty sure my kids have learned to use affection to manipulate me.

13. I drink a lot of coffee 

14. Bribery is a tool in my parenting arsenal 

15. I try to push my children into hobbies that I enjoy doing with them.

16. I have literally cried at the sight of some of their sentimental creations (ie mothers day)

17. I don't keep the dandelions they pick for me, but I'm always moved by the gesture.

18. My kids learned phrases like "what the heck" and "holy crap" from me... I can't even blame it on public school.

19.... although my kids think the "S-H" word is "Shut up!"

20. I once started crying when I caught my son lying to me. I didn't mean it as a guilt trip... I was just sad, but let me tell ya... that has more of an impact that any other discipline I could come up with. 

21. When I see myself in my kids, my reaction varies from being tickled to mortified. 

22. I've jokingly threatened my children with duct taping them  to the wall.

23. I feed my kids boxed mac and cheese.

24. and hot dogs

25. I love encouraging my kids to be independent, but sometimes, standing back and watching them struggle is very very difficult
''

26. I get the biggest euphoric high when people compliment my children's behavior and/or personality.

27. I prep my kids before going to someone else's house. ie "You will do.... You won't do...."

28. I spend most of my time at home in my husbands t shirts

29. I sometimes just stare at my kids and marvel at the people they're turning into.

30. I sing "Do you wanna build a snowman" loudly and off-key with my children on a semi-regular basis.

31. I, in fact, sometimes sing just about everything to my children when I start to get frustrated with them not listening.

32. Sometimes I forget to brush my kids teeth.

33. My daughter is sooo clumsy that I have pretty much given up most levels of sympathy when shy falls down.

34. She is also so cute that I have been somewhat desensitized to compliments on her adorable-ness :)

35. I tend to believe my son is a genius. 

36. I used to be impatient about watching other peoples' kids, but since having my own rugrats... the more the merrier.

37. I tend to procrastinate going on dates with my hubby (even though I love it), because it seems like too much work.

38. I never want anyone watching my kids by force or guilt. I always want the "babysitter" to actually want to spend time with my kids.

39. This is why, if I'm babysitting someone else's kids,  I tend to make sure they know that I'm truly happy to do it. If I'm not; I won't agree to it.

40. Our shower is at the back of our house and I'm terrified to take a shower when it's just me and the kids, because I can't hear the house. I always imagine the very worst.

41. I'm not a morning person!!
Enough said.

42. I screen my calls. Not because I don't want to talk to people, but because I can be a bit "phone shy".

43. I'm always in yoga pants, leggings, or skirts.... so I am lost when it comes to "pants size"
"... How come these jeans don't come in medium..."

44. I always day dream about having my kids pile in bed with us and snuggling up... the reality is never as good as the fiction...
I usually get fought over, sweating, and unable to move.

45. My minivan usually looks like a trashcan on wheels. I keep telling myself "this time I'll keep it clean!" Has yet to happen!

46. I always owe the library money... They never loose that one book that you've read so often you no longer have to look at the words, but they will instantaneously loose the one book you must return on time. 

47.  My kids' runny noses are so much more tolerable than other kids' runny noses.

48. I can't turn off my nurturing instinct, and I'm lucky enough to have people in my life that don't mind too much. 

49. I love taking naps with my kids. I don't get to do it very often but I feel spoiled when I do.

50. My kids are turning out pretty darn good despite all of my failures! :) They are resilient little buggers. I adore them.